transparency, honesty, confession - and retribution?

I'm sick of these words being thrown around. We have these little things called impact groups, where groups of the same gender gather together for prayer and discussion. It's supposed to be a heartfelt "getting to know you" thing, but more often than not, I'm left with a bad taste in my mouth. The Christians I know think that things like accountability and honesty and repentance are always expected of everyone and that the person who is supposed to do the confessing doesn't have a choice. If we share our faith, we're brothers and sisters in Christ, right? So open up to me. I want to know your life and your struggles and help you get through it. We can do it together. There shouldn't ever be a reason why we wouldn't, right? We're trying to make relationship and trustworthiness mandatory for all people we come in contact with, and at what cost?

I'm quiet and uncomfortable in large, intimate groups, but doesn't mean that I have something to hide. It doesn't mean I suffering inside myself and I'm crying out for help. It doesn't mean that I'm putting up walls as a defense mechanism. When I say that I don't feel the need to stand naked in front of everybody (figuratively, of course), respect that wish. Don't poke and prod and make it your mission to break me. I will be polite as I can be, but sometimes it's hard to keep in check when people are constantly burying their nose in my business. I will be upset with you if you think you are entitled to meddling in my life. It is no longer you being Christ-like and genuinely caring for me. I think a lot of the time it becomes a matter of you not dealing with your own love of gossip.

Don't think for one second that I don't think I've done things wrong. I am not trying to say that I just want to wallow in my mistakes and that I have trust issues. I do have struggles. I am a sinner. But I have wonderful relationships with people that I love and trust, and I will share things with them. I have a choice. Don't tell me that because we're both Christians, I have a right to be confessing everything to you.

That's just a segue into what I came here to say today.

I just came from class.. yup, human health and sexuality. My sexy sense is telling me that this will be a good class for pissing me off, which I'm not entirely sure should be described as "good," but whatever. It keeps me writing. Anyways, a story was shared about an instance where two Bible college students who were engaged (or in a relationship of some kind, though not married) had sex and someone/people found out. The consequence in this situation was that they were expelled from the school.

Maybe this cliche, but what the fuck would Jesus do?

Perhaps the difference here is that they both already knew God's truth and had accepted it and wanted to live it, but that doesn't mean they are unable to sin. They made a mistake. They are still human. I think Jesus would have pulled a John 8:1-11 and said, "Yo, are you guys taking a look at yourselves before you judge and condemn them? There's still forgiveness and love for people who fuck up." You'd think a group of people who claim to want to be Christ-like would exercise a little forgiveness and grace. And if you want to show them the error of their ways, is kicking them OUT of a place where you teach the Bible really the best move? Worst case scenario is they feel like shit and decide not to go to church or anything anymore and say screw it and move in together and have sex a lot and never bother getting married. We had a chance to be Christians where it counted and we didn't bother. I think we do that a lot.

There is always a place for retribution and correction and discipline. Always. But we have to be able to look at the big picture and not be legalists. The men in the passage I mentioned early even said to Jesus, according to the Law, this person should be punished. The school these people went to has a covenant for attending the school, and they signed it. Yes, abiding by laws and government and God's moral laws is all relevant. But there has to be room for our humanness. We aren't Christ. We aren't sinless or glorified - yet. Things aren't as God meant them to be in the beginning. It's things like this that I feel are tests and we're getting the worst marks.

Does the situation change if the people had confessed their mistake? What if they had repented and said to their impact group leader or someone else they trusted, "We did this and now we don't know what to do"? Would the trusted person automatically have this light bulb go on that's like, this is against the rules. I need to tell someone else. Wow, they are so stupid and sinful. I would never have done that.

I don't know the details of what actually happened, but to be completely honest, I wouldn't be surprised if students on campus would react in this way if something similar happened. I think it's shit that people get kicked out of Bible colleges and churches because of certain sins.

Pre-marital sex isn't worse than gossip. Get it together.


forever alone

We knew this topic would come up. Has anyone ever noticed how much emphasis we put on getting married?

I am in a human health and sexuality course this semester. Sometimes this Thursday morning class makes me want to jump up and tell everybody to just shut up and get laid. Mentioning sex for some people is like you just said that Chris Tomlin is the Anti-Christ. It's shocking and awkward and they can't believe it. They're either nervous about the topic or they're giggling because the prof said "orgasm." There are a few that can sit still and shut up, and if you're one of those people reading this, props to you. You have my heart.

Anyways, a couple of weeks ago the topic was marriage. Sex is sacred, the marriage relationship is a reflection of Christ's love for his Bride, etc. I get it. What I don't get is all this talk and hype about how marrying someone completes you. I guess I should back up a little and mention our talk about gender identity: the gist of it is that God created us male and female, which does make us a little different as far as our strengths and qualities and personalities and things of the like. So when a man and a woman come together in marriage, it's like this awesome explosion of love and glory and the angels in heaven are singing and teaching Jesus how to Dougie because the two genders complete one another.

So, what does that make a single person, or someone called to celibacy? Incomplete forever? Worthless on their own?

I made a fuss to a classmate/friend, who in turn asked my question.

Oh, well, I guess God made everyone for relationship. We are relational beings. So a single person can still have relationship and bonding, it's just really not the same or as good. You don't get to have sex. Forever alone to be a sexual steward. Sucks2BU.

I don't think it's fair to basically say that marriage is the goal, ideal, the thing that we're supposed to do. You can't say how good something is and then forgot those who may never have it. Maybe singleness is rare and doesn't happen as much as I think, but it's still an option. Focusing on one way of living, one type of relationship and saying it's the best thing for us is screwed up to me. I think there are probably a lot more hurting and frustrated single people in our churches than we think.

So who's church has a singles group that isn't a dating service? Who's going to make that happen?


you suck, just QQ already

* If you go to Heritage and/or know me IRL.. this has cursing in it. You were warned.

Alright! So, it's a nice Monday morning and I've been on "summer break" for approximately two months now. The only thing wrong with this break is that I'm renting an apartment in my college dorm. Seemed cool to live totally on my own and pay rent and actually be in the city for the summer, so I thought what's the worst that could happen? The worst that could happen, has happened, and it's that things are the exact fucking same as they were through the school year (but with more rule breaking). I thought less people, different people, would be grand. How wrong I've been.

Perhaps the first thing that any human being should consider before even going to college is whether or not they have the ability to look after themselves. I'm going to completely go back to first year and forget this summer fiasco for one second. If you cannot do your own dishes or laundry without your mommy, fucking don't go to college. I have met two extreme examples of "I don't know how to do laundry, my mom always did it for me": one that asks for help every single time they want to wash something, and then one that just doesn't fucking do laundry at all. These are the simplest things on the planet and I am tired of feeling sorry for people who's parents did not give them any responsibilites or life lessons before letting them run off to the wonderful world of pissing off roommates for 4+ years.

The next thing that has been slowly making me go off my rocker the past year is really difficult for people to admit or own up to: lie. Lying and manipulating and generally being a conniving bitch. Girls who monopolize livingroom spaces and lie about having to work early in the morning and then invite their boyfriends over for the night and laugh and talk and be loud all night? Yeah, fuck you. I don't pay rent and put up with every other little sucky thing just so you can whine at me for not doing anything wrong. Do you know how hard it is to meet people who don't suck? I want to live with just ONE person, I want just one person in my apartment in the fall that isn't a liar and thief. I know you're stealing and using shit because my stuff is never how I leave it. Another person's things are completely missing. You could.. oh, I don't know.. ask to borrow something? If you don't have money to buy it, I can think of a few people who would even buy something for you or lend you money. But if you're just being a bitch, fuck you. I'm going to catch you stealing and using my shit one day and you're going to regret it.

Oh, you know what else you really shouldn't do? Buy a fucking pet on impulse. Or, I mean, you could buy a pet on impulse.. but wouldn't you think you would ask the person whom you share a bedroom with first? DIDN'T HAPPEN FOR ME. Apparently we live in a world where immediate gratification is priority and nobody else's thoughts or feelings are ever considered (yeah, I already knew that). Now I'm up all fucking night listening to the scratching and puffing of a neurotic hedgehog. I have sleeping problems already, everybody knows, and yet I get a text like this one day while my roommate's out: "HEY OMG I BOUGHT A HEDGEHOG LOL I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THEM! DON'T TELL BECAUSE WE AREN'T ALLOWED PETS LOL :)"

And as if living at and going to a Bible college isn't bad enough, you've got your women who want to get married ASAP who refuse to cook or clean a thing. I know, I'm using gender stereotypes and all that crap. I don't care. Honestly, every person male or female should be able to do dishes and at least casually clean things as they go and make messes throughout the day. But it's especially bad to me when these girls sit on their ass and complain about not having a boyfriend and wanting to get married so badly, and yet they are the dirtiest and most useless people I've ever met. You do realize that your husband is probably going to be a pastor and he probably expects his woman to be able to, you know, be a woman, right? Do you honestly think you're going to get married and you will automatically grow up and become an adult? Marriage and relationships aren't like fucking leveling up or getting perks. You don't get a screen popping up that asks what skills you want to develop. As far as I'm concerned, you shouldn't even be left alone if you're anything like the people I've met this year. I wouldn't want you to eat any paste.